


The Answer to Everything

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-07
Updated: 2006-04-17
Packaged: 2019-01-19 22:25:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12419517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Humor/ romance...Harry/Ginny, Ron/ Hermione, Hedwig/Fawkes... my own Hilarious version of book 7.





	1. A lovely day at the Dursleys'

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

Contrary to popular belief, Harry found this day on Privet Drive quite dull. Vernon was furious and turning his usual puce color, and somehow, it was all Harry’s fault. Ah shoot, it was always Harry's fault. Arabella Figg had run out of her house in a fit earlier that morning. As she ran down the street, she seemed to be shouting, “It stirred itself! The tea stirred itself! I shall tell the whole of England! My God, the tea stirred itself!”� This obviously caused quite a commotion on the perfect Privet Drive. Harry, however, being the love-filled wizard he was, didn’t really care. 

“Potter!”� Uncle Vernon screamed up the stairs. Harry just sat, deciding whether or not he should make the effort to go down the stairs. He looked over to Hedwig’s cage and was disappointed to find it empty. In fact, it had been empty for nearly a week. It was Harry's fault she has been gone so long. Last week, there was this party…

See, there was a mess-up at the Ministry. They claimed to have found Voldemort dead because he choked on a chicken bone. It was actually just Wormtail in a Voldemort mask. It serves the Ministry right for trusting a 186-year-old man who lost his glasses. So there was this party to celebrate the death of the most evil wizard to ever walk the earth. The whole of Hogwarts got drunk and Harry sent Hedwig off with a letter for Fawkes. He was completely oblivious to the fact that birds can’t read…

“I’m talking to you, boy!”� His uncle’s nagging snapped Harry back to reality. 

“I guess I'm going,”� Harry mumbled under his breath. A smirk grew on his face, he closed his eyes, and CRACK! A second later, Harry was in the living room. 

“Would you stop that?”� Harry heard his uncle roar in frustration. It pleased Harry to know that his Apparating disturbed his uncle so. It was not Harry’s Apparating that bothered Uncle Vernon this time. What Harry saw when he opened his eyes was so much better. Standing right in front of him was Uncle Vernon at a record shade of purple with a tabby cat perched upon his head. It was viciously clawing at his large moustache. In fact, the whole room was covered in Mrs. Figg’s cats. At once, Harry burst out laughing. All the while, Uncle Vernon was yelling, “You stirred her bloody tea, now you get her damned cats out of my house!”� Harry was still trying to control his laughter when Aunt Petunia got home from grocery shopping. 

She went snow white, muttered something like, “My house…filthy felines…”� and keeled over right there in the doorway. Muffling his laughter, Harry pulled out his wand. 

“You’re not allowed to do magic outside of school.”� Uncle Vernon had gone pale and had a terrified look on his face. Harry paused at his uncle’s statement. 

“Actually, I have three things to say about that,”� Harry retorted. “Firstly, I have done magic loads of times outside of school, and I have not yet been expelled; two, I am the almighty-protected-by-love Harry Potter. Why would the Ministry take the magic away from me when I am the one person to stand up to the Dark Lord and not have been murdered on the spot? And now we move on to my third point. I do believe it is now legal for me to do magic outside of school because I am no longer underage. So, Uncle, I can do magic whenever I bloody well feel like it.”� Uncle Vernon looked as if he had eaten mouldy cheese while watching a deer get hit by a truck. Harry wished he had a camera. Harry waved his wand threateningly in his uncle’s face. Then, he flicked his wrist and all the cats vanished back to Mrs. Figg’s house, except for one cat, which was still clawing at Uncle Vernon’s face. Harry wanted to cherish the moment. Uncle Vernon tried to grab for the cat, but it vanished just in time. All Uncle Vernon accomplished was poking himself in the eye. Petunia started to stir and Harry made his way upstairs, pulling a pair of Extendable Ears out of his pocket. 

When Harry got to his room, he put in his Extendable Ear and listened intently to his aunt and uncle’s discussion. “Thank goodness my Dudders wasn’t here to see that,”� started Aunt Petunia. 

“Where is he anyway?”� asked Uncle Vernon, just noticing that his large son was missing, now that the cat was detached from his forehead. 

“Dudley’s down the street with that Evens boy.”� 

Uncle Vernon looked up. “Mark Evens? He’s a fine young lad. So pleasant he could be a prince…”� Ha! Harry wins! CRACK! His aunt and uncle gave a gasp as Harry Apparated right into the living room. 

“He’s a half-blood, you know,”� said Harry. 

“What are you on about, boy?”� spat Vernon. 

“Well,”� Harry began, “your ‘Prince’ is half wizard. He’s just starting his first year at Hogwarts. Turns out he’s a Muggle-born. I heard him talking about it while I was at the park. His parents seem happy…”� Once again, Vernon gave a look having to do with mouldy cheese and a very squished…well it looked like a deer…Vernon came back to his usual self. 

“I knew that boy was a nobody. A nobody, I say! Why, I bet you Big D is giving him a good kick right in the…”� CRACK! The conversation was growing dull and Harry returned to his room. Harry was changing his mattress different colors when he remembered that he had to go to Fleur and Bill’s wedding. He had to get ready. Harry found his best dress robes and started getting ready to go. 

Harry was about to leave when he noticed Hedwig flying towards the window. She looked exhausted, slightly singed, and there was a funny look in her eyes. Harry opened the window to let Hedwig in. She landed on the windowsill, and he placed her in her cage.

Apparently, she had found Fawkes. The letter was no longer on Hedwig’s leg and Harry wondered if phoenixes really could read. It was such a shame that Harry had no clue what the letter said. The only reason Harry knew he sent it was because Colin had a picture. He actually had a whole book of blackmail… ‘Oh well,’ Harry thought, ‘we’ll deal with Colin later. I have a wedding to go to.’ And CRACK! Harry was off to the Weasleys’. 

Though Apparating was extremely unpleasant, Harry couldn’t deny that he had style…er, that it was convenient. When Harry got to the Burrow, he ended up appearing right into Hermione, who was standing in the kitchen. Somehow, Harry Apparated into Ron as well. Hermione and Ron had been kissing, and now Harry felt extremely awkward with his two best friends licking his ears. Hermione noticed first and jumped back. Ron, however, never actually noticed. After a minute or so, Harry screamed, “WOULD YOU STOP THAT!”� He seemed to have given Ron a good fright. 

Ron kept saying he thought it was Hermione’s hair in her face when asked why he hadn’t noticed Harry’s shaggy locks. Well, with Harry scarred for life, Hermione embarrassed, and Ron absolutely mortified, the three walked out into the backyard where the wedding was to take place. They took their seats and awaited the start of the wedding. 

Harry’s attention was back on the wedding. They only had to wait five minutes or so before Bill walked up to the aisle. A werewolf had attacked him last year and his face looked, well…as if the truck hit him as hard as it hit the deer earlier. He had scars all over his face and there was hair growing out of them. He almost resembled a scarecrow with the stuffing coming out…that had been hit by a truck. “No signs of werewolfism yet and it’s been two full moons,”� whispered Ron. Harry strongly disagreed. 

And then Fleur came down the aisle with her father. Harry doubted that he had been attacked by anything, but his face closely resembled Bill’s. Mr. Delacour was a very short fellow. He had a shortness that would rival even Umbridge’s. Fleur had on a beautiful dress that was long with tons of lace, but in Harry’s opinion, it was way too poufy. Fleur’s father could barely walk because every step he took, the bottom of Fleur’s dress seemed to attack his legs, for the lack of a better word. Fleur got to the altar and everyone was shocked when Fleur removed her veil and placed it on Bill. This was obviously not the tradition because everyone looked just as confused as Harry must have. The exceptions were Mr. & Mrs. Weasley, Ginny, Charlie, Fred, George, and Ron. Hermione looked confused, but Harry was pretty sure it was because Ron was licking her ear, and not because the whole veil thing perplexed her. Ron obviously liked licking Hermione’s ear better than Harry’s. Harry looked away. 

Rufus Scrimgeour came out to perform the ceremony. It was dreadfully long. Finally he said “Fleur, do you take Bill to be your law…Harry Potter!”� And Scrimgeour stepped between Fleur and Bill and made his way towards Harry. Mrs. Weasley looked almost as threatening as Fleur, and that was something to say because Fleur looked as if she was imagining the Minister being attacked by Fluffy while wearing nothing but his tighty whiteys. “How have you been, Harry? Has anyone told you that your face looks so much like your father’s, but…”� 

CRACK! Harry didn’t want to be there when Molly and Fleur lost it. Harry was standing in the Weasleys’ living room and received a great shock when he saw Ginny crying in the corner. “Ginny? What’s wrong?”� Harry was pretty sure he knew the answer, for he felt the same way. How could everyone be so happy when a man as great as Dumbledore was now gone?

“I miss him so much,”� Ginny sobbed. Harry crossed the room and gave Ginny a hug. 

“I miss Dumbledore too, Ginny,”� Harry said still hugging Ginny. 

“Dumbledore? I’m talking about Arnold.”� 

“Arnold?”� Harry asked, confused and pulling away from Ginny. “Your Pygmy Puff?”� concluded Harry. Ginny had stopped crying a moment ago, but then let out an over-exaggerated sob. 

“I mean yes! Yes!”� she exclaimed, pulling Harry back into a hug. “I miss Dumbledore.”� Harry felt played, but all the same, he was enjoying the hug and didn’t argue. They just hugged for a while when in came what seemed to be the whole wedding party headed by Fleur and Bill. Fleur was once again wearing her veil and Bill had removed his jacket to reveal a t-shirt underneath which read, ‘she’s pretty enough for both of us’. Harry and Ginny still hadn’t moved and everyone was staring at them. Scrimgeour only handled half a stare because one eye was black and blue and swollen shut. Harry was sad he missed that. The staring only stopped when Hedwig flew into the room. She dropped a letter in Harry’s lap.

_Dear Harry Potter,  
Your bird is amazing! I found your letter quite insulting. “Dear Fawkes, can you read this?”� How idiotic do you think I am?  
Fawkes_

Harry blinked. Birds can write? He didn’t even know birds could read! It was weird, but not totally unbelievable. Hedwig gave a loud screech and flew to Harry. A couple of her feathers fell out and just sat on the floor for a moment, but a minute later, they caught on fire and left nothing but a pile of ash. Out of each of the four piles of ashes rose a bird.

“Are those phowls?”� A random person in the crowd called out.

“Who was the letter from, Harry?”� But Harry didn’t hear. He was looking at the birds. They looked like mini versions of Hedwig, except the tops of their heads and the tips of their wings and tails were red, yellow and orange like Fawkes. Harry looked at the back of the letter. 

_P.S.–Your bird is having my children._ Harry was flabbergasted. What was he supposed to do with four baby phowls? He looked around the room, but when he looked back, the phowls were no longer babies; they were already fully grown. Hedwig gave another screech, but this time much weaker, and all of her feathers fell to the floor. The whole room gasped at once and it actually caused a breeze. They were all praying that the feathers wouldn’t all turn into birds. They all caught fire and Harry lost all hope. Mrs. Weasley actually started to cry. To everyone’s relief, all Hedwig’s feathers grew back. Their attention turned back to the ashes. They started to stir and out of the ashes rose a single phoenix. As nicely as she could, Mrs. Weasley walked over to a still hugging Harry and Ginny and gave a fake smile. 

“Harry dear, would you kindly release my daughter and get your birds out of my house? Oh no, dear, don’t worry about the ash, I’ll take care of it,”� said Mrs. Weasley when Harry let go of Ginny and bent down to clean the ash up. “Just get the birds out,”� smiled Mrs. Weasley and she conjured cages for the birds. Harry took them out back followed by Ginny, Ron and Hermione. 

“Ron, I wonder if you have some wrapping paper. I’ll give this to Bill and Fleur as a wedding gift,”� Harry said as he held up a phowl. Harry looked over at Ron, but he and Hermione were a bit preoccupied. Feeling stupid that he was talking to someone who wasn’t listening, Harry turned to Ginny. 

“You really miss Arnold, I mean, Dumbledore, don’t you?”� 

“Yes,”� said Ginny, holding out her arms for another hug. Instead of hugging Ginny, Harry turned around and picked up one of the cages containing the phowl. 

“Well,”� he said, wondering whether it was a boy or a girl, “er…it’s yours then,”� Harry said, not feeling quite up to checking to find the bird’s gender. Ginny’s face lit up and before Harry knew it, Ginny was standing too close with her arms hanging loosely around his neck. She leaned in to kiss him and passionately kisses Harry. All Ron and Hermione can do is watch. The two didn’t kiss for very long, for in the background, Ron and Hermione were screaming, “My eyes! They burn! But I! Must! Not! Blink!”� And they didn’t blink for fear of losing the staring contest. It was very distracting. 

So Ginny and Harry walked over to a bench at the side of the yard and sat next to it on the ground. Ginny ruffled Harry’s hair and it felt funny. It was almost as if Ginny was stroking his SEX MONSTER that Harry just realized he had. Harry leaned in to kiss Ginny and she turned her head so Harry missed her entirely. To cover up, he started to whistle. Ginny giggled. “It’s my brother’s wedding. Let’s let he and Fleur be remembered as the lovebirds.”�


	2. Wrong on so many levels

Chapter 2 Wrong on so many levels

Since there was, once again, a plan of not returning to Hogwarts, Harry was greatly regretting throwing his grenades around uncle Vernon’s car. Then he remembered his uncle’s expression and all regret was lost. Harry had to go back to the Dursley’s for the absolute last time to collect his things. Harry packed and just as he was about to leave, he heard Petunia shriek, “Vernon! A baby! Vernon! We’re having a baby!”� She sounded so happy that it made Harry want to puke. As vividly horrific images filled Harry’s head, he vanished just in time to miss Dudley's agonized scream. Another child would mean less pampering for him. 

Still gagging at the thought of his aunt having a baby, Harry arrived in Ron’s room and sat on the extra bed. A few minutes later, Hermione hurried in, practically inhaling a sandwich, and handed a ham and cheese to Harry. 

“You can’t defeat evil dark lords on an empty stomach…eat”� Hermione said. And then Hermione did inhale her sandwich and started choking. Harry stood up, moved behind her and started giving her the Heimlich maneuver. Just then, Ron walked in and saw Harry “humping”� Hermione from the back. Hermione gasped and Ron was sickened. He grabbed Harry and punched him many times in the face. 

“WHAT….THE BLOODY…HELL…DO YOU…THINK…YOU’RE DOING…TO MY GIRL!!!”� Ron was so mad he could have killed Harry, and he probably would have if he was only a little bit stronger. Being hit repeatedly in the face could do that. Hermione was screaming at Ron to stop and crying hysterically. 

“YOU CHEATING ON ME?!”� Ron barked at Hermione, sitting on top of Harry and ready to punch if he moved. 

“Ronald, you pig! Get off of him!”� shouted Hermione as she moved towards Ron and shoved him harshly off of Harry. “Oh my God, are you okay?”� 

Harry was so dizzy you could never imagine. He was slightly confused because for once, his scar was the only part of his face that didn’t hurt. Ron stood up and crossed the room 

“Hermione, I asked if you were cheating on me,”� Ron said quietly, yet loudly at the same time. 

“He was saving my life,”� Hermione said, helping Harry onto the bed. 

Ron’s face dropped into one of great sadness. “Is it that bad to be with me?”� 

Hermione looked at him in disgust. “No, you git! He was giving me the Heimlich maneuver.”� 

Ron now looked as if he wanted to punch Harry again. “So there’s a fancy name for what he was doing to you then!”� shouted Ron, still not comprehending the situation. Then he saw the sandwich on the bed and it clicked. “Oh God…….oh God……oh God…..”� Ron walked over to a corner and sat down. He hid his face in his hands and Hermione glided over to him. 

“I could never hurt you like that. Now you need to talk to Harry”� Ron was dreading this moment, but Hermione left the room and there was complete silence. 

“You know you’re not doing too well when you beat the crap out of your best mate.”� Harry said, putting an end to the awkwardness. 

“You’re a mess,”� replied Ron, and judging by the pissed look on Harry’s face, it was a mistake. 

“It’s your ruddy fault!”� snapped Harry. He was a mess. His lip and nose were bleeding and his left eye was starting to swell. 

“I’m sorry. I thought you were……well…..you didn’t see what I did….”� Ron looked away. Harry considered the point. 

“Forget it. I would have done the same thing if it was you and Ginny,”� Harry said, totally forgetting that Ginny was Ron’s sister. Harry looked up and Ron was glaring at him. 

“Are you insinuating that I’d get it on with my own sister?”� 

Harry smirked. “Are you insinuating that you get it on with Hermione?”� 

Ron turned slightly red….ya...about the color of his hair. “……no…..”� and just as quickly as the argument had stared, it was over, and they walked downstairs. 

They were walking towards the kitchen when they heard Hermione telling Mrs. Weasley, “Harry and Ron got in a little fist fight. They’re making up now”� 

Molly gasped, “Is Ron hurt badly?”� 

“Hey!”� said Ron, walking into the kitchen, closely followed by Harry. “I’ll have you know that I was the one doing the beating!”� 

Mrs. Weasley looked appalled. “Ronald! How many times did you hit him!”� 

Ron was turning redish again. “A fair amount…”� Ron walked up and hugged Hermione. “I'm sorry I doubted you,”� 

“You’re still a pig,”� whispered Hermione, smiling and kissing Ron on the cheek. 

Meanwhile, Mrs. Weasley was fixing Harry up. A moment later, Harry looked infinitely better. A while later, the trio set off. Mrs. Weasley was absolutely bawling and Ginny was crying quietly. As Harry walked away from the Weasley’s lovely home, he was accompanied by Ron and Hermione. It felt weird not to be returning to Hogwarts, but it also felt weird when Ginny ruffled his hair, but that didn’t always SEX MONSTER make it a bad thing. As they left the Weasley’s driveway, they apparated a few miles to shorten the walking difference, and then decided to walk for a bit. 

“So,”� said Harry, trying to start a conversation, “Godric’s Hollow…any idea where it is?”�… The trio stopped moving. No one spoke. “So you mean we don’t know where we’re going?”� 

“Looks like it,”� replied Ron. So they kept moving. 

“Why, may I ask, are we walking when all three of us can apparate?”� Harry asked. 

They had only a second to think about this when Hermione said, “Well that’s obvious, isn’t it? If we apparate everywhere, we’ll get fat from lack of exercise. Haven’t you seen Americans these days? They’re either fat, or don’t eat and are too skinny.”� 

Ron whispered in Hermione’s ear, “You’re very sexy when you’re smarter than me,”� and Hermione giggled. 

Harry sensed a snog session and hit Ron on the back of the head to prevent it. If only he had Ginny. Them Harry could ignore Ron and Hermione and start a snog session of his own with Ginny. And suddenly she was there. Ginny leaned in and kissed Harry. It was SEX MONSTER an interesting moment for Harry. At first he thought it was another coat rack, like at the party; but for one, he wasn’t drunk and two…last time he checked, the coat rack didn’t have such a nice arse. So Harry was now considering a tree, but this time Ginny talked she didn’t talk when she was a coat rack. 

It was really Ginny! “I had to come with you!”� Ginny said breathlessly. Harry was still recovering from the fact that Ginny was not a coat rack, that all he could handle was a stupid look and a nod of his head. 

Ron walked over and shouted, “Who do you think you are, coming over here, following us on a secret mission and snoging my best mate?!”� 

I would say Ginny turned on her heel and stomped towards Ron, but that would be wrong. Have you ever turned on your heel? It seems quite impossible, or at least complicated. So, in fact, Ginny turned on her TOES and stomped towards Ron. “I do believe I am his girlfriend!”� she said, glaring at Ron. 

“Ha! No you’re not! He broke up with you at Hogwarts a few months ago!”� Ron had a point. 

Ginny pondered this for a moment, thought of a comeback and shouted at Ron, “Alright! Fine then! I'm his friend with LOTS of benefits! At least we didn’t start dating when we were dead drunk!”� 

Everyone doubted Harry was even listening anymore. At least Ginny came to this conclusion seeing as Harry was drawing small butterflies in the dirt and humming to himself. 

Hermione however looked pissed off. “Excuse me! But I was not drunk! Besides, my hair smelled too good to ruin it with the stench of beer.”� Hermione looked very triumphant. 

Ron looked up and smiled. “I was drunk…”� and he looked back down. 

Meanwhile... “Hmmmm Barbie girl….hmmmm undress me anywhere…..hmmmm…plastic….hmmm fantastic….”� Harry had moved on to drawing what looked like 5-petaled flowers. 

“I think the scar does affect his brain…”� muttered Ron. Ginny was looking at him as if he was her new puppy. 

“Well, if all you two are going to do is shout, then we might as well keep moving while you argue. Harry…HARRY!”� Hermione clapped her hands in front of his face. Harry snapped out of his trance and very discreetly brushed away the flowers and butterflies. 

“Ginny, does your mum know you’re here?”� asked Harry

“No. She had her eyes closed while she gave birth…”� Retorted Ginny.

Harry smiled, “I'm serious!”� 

Ginny tried to look innocent. “Well….not exactly. I popped out while she was blowing her nose”� 

Hermione turned to face her “hang on…how did you follow us? We apparated a few miles. You can’t apparate yet.”� 

Ginny rubbed her hand along her hip without even knowing it and then looked at Hermione to answer her question “I grabbed on to Ron.”� 

Ron went completely pale. “You grabbed on to me! I thought that was Hermione!”� 

Ginny shot a disgusted look over at Ron. “Do you do that to her, you git?”� 

Ron turned from pale to red so quickly that a boiling lobster would be jealous. “It was a first….”� mumbled Ron as he started walking away. Apparently he was finished with this discussion. Harry glanced over at Ginny. She didn’t notice it, but she was instinctively rubbing her hand up and down her hip as if to disinfect it. 

The four of them walked for about ten minutes in silence, and suddenly Ginny saw Harry collapse to the ground, screaming in pain and holding his scar. Ginny rushed over to him, closely followed by Ron and Hermione. 

“Harry…”� moaned Ginny as if she was so worried that she had no voice left. Hermione and Ron were standing close with their wands drawn. And as suddenly as Harry had started screaming, he stopped and sat up. 

“Just kidding, but that’s what I look like when Voldemort touches or possesses me. In case you were wondering…”� and he stood up and started walking again. 

Ginny was crying, “you scared me so badly that I could have given birth right there!”� Everyone stared at her. She stopped crying immediately. “Er…it’s an expression?”� the others looked at each other and shrugged. The look clearly said ‘We know Harry’s scar affects his brain, but what’s her excuse?’


End file.
